He thought about it.

It was two o’clock in the morning and we had fallen asleep leaning against each other on the couch watching a movie.  We had been out celebrating that he turned his notice in and then didn’t feel like ending the night. Back to my place to watch movies it was.

Being that tired, I about him driving home that late. Maybe I sounded funny when I said it the second time, when I told him he could stay the night. Because then he decided to go. Maybe he thought what most guys would think if a girl offered for them to stay the night. Who knows what goes on in his head because he’s one of the hardest people to figure out I’ve ever known.

I didn’t mean it as an invitation to sexual activity. I was offering a friend I care about a place to stay late at night. Really, if anything, we might have cuddled. The fact that he actually thought about it still puzzles me. He’s always so reserved and it seemed as though – for just a moment – the guard was down, the tough guy facade removed.  I’ll never known since he didn’t stay.

It’s been three weeks since that night, a week at work without him, but I still think about that moment when he considered staying. Maybe we would have cuddled and I’d be going through a world of hurt and confusion right now. I have no doubts that he would have still run cold again and I would have driven myself nuts trying to understand. Maybe he would have stayed and it would have been a turning point where he opened up just a little bit with me. But, that’s really just wishful thinking about what ifs and could have beens.

The distance since, the lack of contact is for the best for me though he doesn’t do it for me and will never know I need it.  But, we’re allowed our memories, and though cold comfort they may be, I’ll remember those few moments when anything was possible.

Besides, the lights are all nice and soft & glowy and everything in the living room looks a little bit better when it’s the only light in the room. More elegant, like a room you’d see in a magazine with its tree lit.

And, I don’t know about you but for me, it’s one of the most peaceful things I get to do. Just sit in the living room with only the tree lit and a mug of tea and just watch it sparkle. When I wake up early before work and have the few minutes before rushing to start the day. It’s just not the same to have to turn on the “regular” lights.

But, really, I know what it is.

They always talk about the holiday blues during the holiday season but that’s never when it hits me.  The holidays are too full of craziness to have time to get blue. Yeah, being alone sucks a bit but I have so much going on I don’t really have time to notice.  It’s when the holidays are over and things get quiet that I have time to notice that I am still alone. That’s when it hits. The prospect of three months of cold and wind and snow and no one to snuggle with and every one staying in because of said weather conditions.

I’ll keep the tree up and pretend we aren’t on the upward slope of three months cooped up in the house. I’ll make the holidays last just a little bit longer before the blues hit.

I wanted to leave before you. I couldn’t manage to move from my seat though because I knew it would be the last time. I thought some how leaving first would make me the strong one. Some how you would wonder where I had to go to that I was leaving early. Instead, I stayed until the very end.

There were only a few of us left when you stood and started shaking hands. You shook my hand too. Which was just the weirdest thing since we’ve never said bye without hugging. But, what was I to do? So, I shook your hand and tried to keep my face calm. Not showing the panic that the moment was here.

As you walked around the table to leave, I thought maybe you’d stop and hug me. But, no, not a glimmer. No recognition, no acknowledgment. I was just another person. No one special anymore. You just kept walking right out the door.

There was never a glance back on your part either. Why do we always hope for that? Why do we always think some how, some way, if we wish hard enough life just might turn out like a movie? It doesn’t though. Life isn’t a movie. If it was we wouldn’t need the movies to give us somewhere to escape and still hope, after all.

I watched your reflection fade in the mirror over the bar and said my silent goodbye as I saw the door open and you disappeared into the swirl of snow. Guess that’s as good of a movie ending as I’ll ever get?

A second goodbye should be a final goodbye. How do I force myself to make it absolute – to severe the bonds I have wrapped myself up in and let him go? It’s like a scab you can’t stop scratching because it just keeps itching you. But, I can hope that the old out of sight, out of mind theory applies, and that as time passes it will itch less and I’ll learn to leave it alone and let go. After all, scratching the scab off is just self-inflicted pain. And, unhealed wounds leave scars. Aren’t most scars self-inflicted? Perhaps, that’s what makes them feel so ugly, visible or not.

So, this will be the second goodbye. As he finishes his notice and walks out the door for the last time, we will no longer work together. No longer have a reason to support the façade of friendship that has led to occasional forays into hanging out. An uneasy mask of attempted friendship and frivolity over hurt and insecurity. Attempts that leave me crying in the hallway, staring at the blank wall across from me at home afterwards. Or, some days staring blankly at my computer trying not to cry at work… a bit like today.

Second goodbyes are harder. You’ve already said goodbye once and gone back on it. You’ve been weak and made yourself vulnerable again. Having to say goodby twice requires admitting you were wrong a second time as well. I don’t have to like it but as I watch him leave today, as his back turns to me, I know it is for the best for me. I know I’ll never see him again.

Thanks to him I have a New Year’s resolution to let go and not force relationships in to predefined formats in an attempt to let the friendship go whatever direction it goes. When he runs hot and I have nothing else planned, then sure, I will hang out. But since he is so inconsistent, if I have something else going on, I am no longer rearranging my schedule to work him in.

To an extent, this puts the friendship on his terms as we will be friends when it is convenient for him. But, really I am reclaiming my voice in the friendship that I didn’t seem to have when we were “dating.” Back then he said our relationship had to occur with a certain progression to it that had to result in being best friends. The problems with that was…

One, I have a best friend.

Do you really think you can replace him? that i will let you or want you to? I don’t want a new best friend. Yes, my partner will be A best friend. But it is entirely possible to have a romantic best friend and a platonic one.  I only have one vacancy right now and you aren’t trying to fill it.

Two, becoming a friend to that extent with me takes quite awhile.

So, I am just supposed to hang around and hope that you eventually decide to act on your feelings? Ever heard of unrequited love? It sucks. Not interested. Why are you asking me to invest myself in you in a way you aren’t will to invest yourself in me?

Three, by the time you become that good of a friend with me do you really think I would risk losing someone that close?

Hello déjà vu. Nice to see you again.

Four, doesn’t the other person’s feelings and needs count for anything?

Why would I want to wait around for someone to possibly, eventually view me as a romantic interest  when I can find someone who will certainly view me as a romantic interest from the start? Yes, I do believe you need to be friends for a relationship to work. But, friendships and romantic relationships have a different dynamic to each that lays the foundation for how you will interact in the future.

Being friends first and then if something develops later is great. But forcing a requirement that you must be friends first even as you express a romantic interest is frustrating and confusing. It requires that any relationship be on your terms and at your pace without any thought or consideration for what I want or need.

How can that possibly be a decent basis for any type of relationship? It seems to me you are using it as an excuse to be able to keep yourself from having to be vulnerable to being hurt. Except, that’s part of life and finding the right someone. You have to put yourself out there and be willing to take the risk.

See, I believe relationships need to be between partners and equals who share the emotional burden and inherent risk in caring for others. And, I’ll never consciously enter a relationship in which the other person has stated that the risk will be nearly all mine upfront. How can we ever be equal in the relationship again when one person has had to make their emotional needs subservient to another?

At least I didn’t call you my little brother, and hope you enjoy it there, but sorry to tell you…you were relegated to the Friends Only corral and not that you can’t be consistent…well you don’t even get that much protection. You are back to being a work acquaintance that’s cool to hang out with. Sorry, dude. You should have thought of that.

This may have been the longest I have ever had a dry spell. I am not sure whether to think that is a good thing or a bad thing. If I have had such little time that it was less than a year between serious relationships, did I ever really truly ever learn or heal from the previous one before the next one became serious? Maybe, maybe not. There isn’t any way to know since that isn’t what happened.

Sometimes, I miss it but not always. Comes in waves and varies in intensity. I always seem to miss the basic comfort of the physical contact of affection and tenderness that comes with it though. Yes, it’s a girl thing. Yes, it drives boys nuts and makes them restless and impatient 9 times out of 10 but I miss cuddling. I miss holding hands. I miss bond, the connection that exists between two people when they care for each other like that.

Really, don’t care if it’s another 366 days. Ok, 367 since this is a leap year. But, I really hope I don’t have to go that long without there being someone I want to hug who wants to hug me back. Yesterday, I spent the day on the couch curled up, watching movies and doing some good cooking. Would have been nice to have someone else on the couch too.

But, with my family – well, we are realists and we weren’t 10 minutes into the conversation when Mom said she hoped she didn’t lose the baby. Part of my sister’s battle with infertility is the result of other health problems that would make this a high risk pregnancy to begin with. So, we were worried. Hopeful, but worried.

That night I dreamt that there were problems and woke up with an odd uneasiness. The proverbial sense of foreboding seemed to surround everything but I shrugged it off knowing I would see her later that day. Plans ended up getting jumbled and I didn’t get to see her. By the next day I had forgotten about it and went about cleaning up from the holidays and other chores I needed to get done. I was still supposed to meet up with her at some point to pick dishes up that were left at her house from the holiday meal when I got a message that she had to run out for a bit and would let me know when she was home.

I never got a call that she was home. When my phone rang it was Mom. She was clearly shaken and I could hear the tears restrained in her voice.

This opportunity may be lost for the paradise my sister seeks but, as always, I am looking for the silver lining. This is closer than they have ever been when everyone told them they would most likely have to adopt. Yes, it’s heartbreaking. A life was lost before we had the chance to meet them. But they were able to conceive. And, that means that it could be possible again.

The hope for them is not lost, just delayed.

“I don’t care if you doubt who I date, just don’t doubt me.”

As if there hasn’t been enough crossed wires between my best friend and I lately, in one of the rare instances in four years of friendship, I managed to almost piss him off.  Still don’t know that it’s possible for him to ever actually get pissed off but he certainly did get annoyed.

I should have known that this would be one of the few things that could get under his skin. Particularly since one of the things I have always admired so much in him is his consistency, his steadfastness, his word means something. Here I was having questioning it.  Of course, this was after the pity invite so I was feeling a bit stung. But, before he really became involved with Girl X that I should have been worried.

In a few months, he is going on a major family vacation with me that financially and emotionally I would not have been able to go on without him.  I could not afford to pay the room price if it was not split. And, two weeks in close quarters with my entire extended family is a bit much for me to handle given our history. He’s the first person in my life that keeps me calm in the midst of their chaos and the fact that he immediately agreed to go was testament to our friendship.

He has never backed out on anything with me and always kept his word. So, there is no reason to doubt him. But, love and relationships are a powerful thing that can completely change allegiances. It is not unreasonable to worry his determination to go could change.

The irony is that it wasn’t even what I meant about it at all. Like anyone infatuated, newly in love, lust what ever it may be, he falls off the face of the earth on me for a few months each time he gets into a relationship. I was really picking on him more that he was about to disappear on me for a few months. And, this time he couldn’t do it for as long as normal.

Guess I know what topic not to appear to joke about with him now! But I don’t mind really. He wouldn’t have gotten upset about it if my opinion regarding it didn’t matter to him. And I’ll take a friend that cares about it any day. Even if I do occasionally put my foot in my mouth with it at times.

They say at some point as you age you realize that you really don’t understand the generations younger than you.  I always thought it would happen when you are like 50 or 60 or something.  When “kids” are drastically younger than you. Not when you are in your mid-thirties and still think of yourself as in your late twenties. Let alone in you mid-thirties trying to understand those in their mid-twenties. Maybe it’s a twenties thing that no one out of their twenties understands what the generation is doing regardless of the age gap?

I am just hoping that’s what it is because I don’t get this whole sleeping with people so soon thing. See, I found out what was up with my best friend.

Turns out he has been talking to a girl online for just over a month and have gone one a few dates in the last two weeks.  Seems he had invited her to the New Year’s Eve party as well and thought it might be awkward because I, not knowing about this, had said I would just ride over to his friend’s house with him.  (It really was a pity invite!) Instead of being open and telling me he had invited a date, and could I follow him, he’ll give me directions, etc. he just avoided it.

After essentially getting ditched by him as though he had never mentioned it, and the meager three texts I got from him for New Year’s when I had something very unusual happen, I basically asked him what the hell he was doing. He is not the type to ignore text messages like that so something had to be up. And, duh, he’s my best friend so I wanted to know what was going on.  The response was that he was watching TV with Girl X… at three o’clock in the afternoon. As in she spent the night.

Yes, I am assuming something happened between them. But let’s get real here. Why else would she spend the night and still be there that late in the day? It’s frustrating because he doesn’t understand why he keeps getting into relationships that don’t work out. But, seriously! What does he expect when he talks to a girl he meets online for two weeks, then goes on four dates with her in the next two weeks and they get involved sexually on the fifth date. Do you really think you know enough of the person to build a foundation for a relationship that will actually work? How about you are blinding yourself with the physical aspects of the relationship and confusing it for the foundation without actually knowing each other?

Is this what dating in your twenties is supposed to be about? Figuring out that you should really know a bit more about a person before becoming involved to that extent and that’s why in your thirties you look back and say what was I thinking? Don’t get me wrong. I am not a prude and don’t think they should wait forever, But really? Two weeks? C’mon, man (Yes, use Boomer’s voice here.. football reference)!

On top of it, she is in her early twenties. I get that it is entirely possible that someone in their early twenties could be more mature than their peers. That is one of the reasons he and I are such good friends – he is much more mature than his age for being nearly 10 years younger than me.  But, he wants to settle down and have a committed relationship.  That is not what anyone is really about at 21 or 22 nowadays. He’s in his late twenties, stable, good job, nice house, decent car and the cutest dog in the world.  Why does he keep expecting to find a lasting relationship with someone still in college, still partying who doesn’t have a professional job and doesn’t understand yet what it is to work for a living and have responsibilities?

Sure, guys usually date women younger than them. Remember he debates me about dating older women as a bias the same as older women’s bias in dating younger men. So, I get that in all likelihood the people he seeks out will be younger than him. But, there is a difference in dating someone who is simply younger than you in age and someone who is younger than you in maturity. If you’re going to get physically involved when they are younger in maturity well then sometimes…

Too soon is just too soon.

It was the size of a mini-fridge and wrapped in Christmas paper with trios of penguins all over it. Anything with penguins is a given that it’s for my sister. I think she has started collecting penguin Christmas decorations the way Mom collects snowmen. Although, she’s got a ways to catch Mom’s nearly 2,000 snowmen decorations.

And, the fact that this big box was from my brother-in-law was no surprise.  He spoils her at Christmas but it’s usually jewelry or theater tickets so none of us could imagine what was so big that she had asked for. Of course, she had to make it the center of attention because, well, that’s just my sister. As she undid the paper and lifted the top flap of the box, a little balloon escaped.

Can you guess yet?

Another balloon escaped and then another. And then a big blue one and a big pink one with a card attached to them and a bunch more little balloons too. Bet you got it now!

With all of the family, bot sets of parents and the last grandparent they have on either side, with both their siblings there, my sister and her husband excitedly announced they are pregnant.

After several years of trying and continual problems conceiving, they are finally going to be parents. It has been a difficult road and something they wanted more than anything. And, one that we thought would mean there wouldn’t be any grandchildren for either set of their parents. We already know that at my age and current relationship status, the likelihood I will ever be a mother is rapidly diminishing. My sister is the one who would make Mom a Grandma. And, my sister’s brother-in-law and his new wife have already said they will not be having kids. So that was it.  The only grandchild would be from my sister and her husband.Sometimes, I think that knowledge made it harder as they put too much pressure on themselves. But, I’ll never actually know if that’s true or not or the extent if it is.  To know that after all of the infertility treatments and dashed hopes it is finally happening for them is amazing.

But, what in the world does that have to do with Thanksgiving, right?

Of course we asked questions about how far along are they and when did they find out and how did she tell him and what was his reaction. Turns out she hadn’t been feeling well around Thanksgiving. She had told us all it was the flu picked up from kids at school.  Turns out she’s a little fibber! They found out Thanksgiving morning but kept it secret till they could tell all of the family at once.

So, see, what seemed to be an ordinary Thanksgiving day with my family turned out to be a day to give thanks for more reasons than we knew we had.  My sister’s dream and a prayer we had held for her had been answered. Gives new meaning to this Thanksgiving, doesn’t it?

That Thanksgiving will have changed life for all of us. No one more so than for my sister and brother-in-law. They will be known as Mom and Dad now.  I’ve only been a daughter and a sister, a girlfriend and wife, a colleague and a friend. But, I get redefined too.

I am going to be an Aunt.