I offered.
He thought about it.
It was two o’clock in the morning and we had fallen asleep leaning against each other on the couch watching a movie. We had been out celebrating that he turned his notice in and then didn’t feel like ending the night. Back to my place to watch movies it was.
Being that tired, I worried about him driving home that late. Maybe I sounded funny when I said it the second time, when I told him he could stay the night. Because then he decided to go. Maybe he thought what most guys would think if a girl offered for them to stay the night. Who knows what goes on in his head because he’s one of the hardest people to figure out I’ve ever known.
I didn’t mean it as an invitation to sexual activity. I was offering a friend I care about a place to stay late at night. Really, if anything, we might have cuddled. The fact that he actually thought about it still puzzles me. He’s always so reserved and it seemed as though – for just a moment – the guard was down, the tough guy facade removed. I’ll never known since he didn’t stay.
It’s been three weeks since that night, a week at work without him, but I still think about that moment when he considered staying. Maybe we would have cuddled and I’d be going through a world of hurt and confusion right now. I have no doubts that he would have still run cold again and I would have driven myself nuts trying to understand. Maybe he would have stayed and it would have been a turning point where he opened up just a little bit with me. But, that’s really just wishful thinking about what ifs and could have beens.
The distance since, the lack of contact is for the best for me though he doesn’t do it for me and will never know I need it. But, we’re allowed our memories, and though cold comfort they may be, I’ll remember those few moments when anything was possible.
