Today should be the last goodbye and I am enveloped in a wistful, melancholic mood this morningtide. My focus has evaporated in a swirl of emotion that I can’t bring myself to relinquish. Yet, had I been willing to release myself from this when given the chance, a second goodbye would not be required.
A second goodbye should be a final goodbye. How do I force myself to make it absolute – to severe the bonds I have wrapped myself up in and let him go? It’s like a scab you can’t stop scratching because it just keeps itching you. But, I can hope that the old out of sight, out of mind theory applies, and that as time passes it will itch less and I’ll learn to leave it alone and let go. After all, scratching the scab off is just self-inflicted pain. And, unhealed wounds leave scars. Aren’t most scars self-inflicted? Perhaps, that’s what makes them feel so ugly, visible or not.
So, this will be the second goodbye. As he finishes his notice and walks out the door for the last time, we will no longer work together. No longer have a reason to support the façade of friendship that has led to occasional forays into hanging out. An uneasy mask of attempted friendship and frivolity over hurt and insecurity. Attempts that leave me crying in the hallway, staring at the blank wall across from me at home afterwards. Or, some days staring blankly at my computer trying not to cry at work… a bit like today.
Second goodbyes are harder. You’ve already said goodbye once and gone back on it. You’ve been weak and made yourself vulnerable again. Having to say goodby twice requires admitting you were wrong a second time as well. I don’t have to like it but as I watch him leave today, as his back turns to me, I know it is for the best for me. I know I’ll never see him again.
I’v experienced a second goodbye recently as well. It’s strange because when you reconcile that first time.. you think: It will work this time. it was meant to be. You think that the same won’t mistakes won’t be made because lessons were learned the first time around.. but I guess people really don’t change all that much. Be strong.