Boy is running hot again and, quite frankly, driving me a little nuts. It’s an emotional roller coaster for me to have a friend that feels extremely close and I can count on and confide in that then seems to disappear. The emotional interest in a romantic relationship with him is long over because of this, but I just can’t seem to ever give up hope on friendships with people.
Thanks to him I have a New Year’s resolution to let go and not force relationships in to predefined formats in an attempt to let the friendship go whatever direction it goes. When he runs hot and I have nothing else planned, then sure, I will hang out. But since he is so inconsistent, if I have something else going on, I am no longer rearranging my schedule to work him in.
To an extent, this puts the friendship on his terms as we will be friends when it is convenient for him. But, really I am reclaiming my voice in the friendship that I didn’t seem to have when we were “dating.” Back then he said our relationship had to occur with a certain progression to it that had to result in being best friends. The problems with that was…
One, I have a best friend.
Do you really think you can replace him? that i will let you or want you to? I don’t want a new best friend. Yes, my partner will be A best friend. But it is entirely possible to have a romantic best friend and a platonic one. I only have one vacancy right now and you aren’t trying to fill it.
Two, becoming a friend to that extent with me takes quite awhile.
So, I am just supposed to hang around and hope that you eventually decide to act on your feelings? Ever heard of unrequited love? It sucks. Not interested. Why are you asking me to invest myself in you in a way you aren’t will to invest yourself in me?
Three, by the time you become that good of a friend with me do you really think I would risk losing someone that close?
Hello déjà vu. Nice to see you again.
Four, doesn’t the other person’s feelings and needs count for anything?
Why would I want to wait around for someone to possibly, eventually view me as a romantic interest when I can find someone who will certainly view me as a romantic interest from the start? Yes, I do believe you need to be friends for a relationship to work. But, friendships and romantic relationships have a different dynamic to each that lays the foundation for how you will interact in the future.
Being friends first and then if something develops later is great. But forcing a requirement that you must be friends first even as you express a romantic interest is frustrating and confusing. It requires that any relationship be on your terms and at your pace without any thought or consideration for what I want or need.
How can that possibly be a decent basis for any type of relationship? It seems to me you are using it as an excuse to be able to keep yourself from having to be vulnerable to being hurt. Except, that’s part of life and finding the right someone. You have to put yourself out there and be willing to take the risk.
See, I believe relationships need to be between partners and equals who share the emotional burden and inherent risk in caring for others. And, I’ll never consciously enter a relationship in which the other person has stated that the risk will be nearly all mine upfront. How can we ever be equal in the relationship again when one person has had to make their emotional needs subservient to another?
At least I didn’t call you my little brother, and hope you enjoy it there, but sorry to tell you…you were relegated to the Friends Only corral and not that you can’t be consistent…well you don’t even get that much protection. You are back to being a work acquaintance that’s cool to hang out with. Sorry, dude. You should have thought of that.
